it’s that time of the year again

wow. time flew. really fast this time. i barely had the time to breathe. things are going great. i guess at this point, i can barely ask for more.

on the personal front, everything is good, not easy, but good. there will always be ups and downs, it just a matter of how you, as a couple, handle it.

on the career front, well… things have been hectic. and it will continue to be, for the next 3 months at least. i might not even be able to take leave for chinese new year. but it’s great. i enjoy my job. i like my bosses. i love my team. they are fantastic. it feels as if we are of one family. work is as usual, tiring, but for once, it’s nice to enjoy your work and get paid for it.

i get more exposure here. i learn loads of new things. and the best thing is, i am more aggressive. more sure of myself, more confident. my bosses encourage me to be more aggressive. yet at the same time, be nice. it’s a nice feeling, to be appreciated.

on another note, i went to gucci today and saw a bag that i really like!!!!! should i buy it or not? it’s quite pricey though… hmm… i wonder whether i’ll get bonus this month… aiksssssssss

p/s it’s 1.26am and i’m still thinking of the bag. the more i look at it, the more i’m in love.sigh… lalalalalalalaaaaa… should i? should i not? should i? should i not? aaaaaaarrggghhhh

Protected: one day i will….

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times when happiness eludes me

times when happiness eludes me, i gather up my strength and i give happiness a chase. i do what i can, with my everything, in pursuit of happiness.

i’ve been thinking of getting away from here for a little while. perhaps go on a holiday? ’bout time i turn my dream of traveling into a reality. i wish to travel alone… but i don’t have the guts, for fear of being lonely. aargh. i should just take the plunge.

once i manage to find a place of my own, i’ve been thinking to decorate it, to become a comfy room, my safe haven. perhaps, once i’ve done it, i will no longer be afraid of being alone for hours straight in the room. maybe i’ll be more comfortable staying there without needing to constantly go out.

seems like everything that i want to do, requires money. sigh.

note: money cannot buy happiness, but money assist people to temporarily forget their woes.

decided yet undecided

what do you do when the decision has been made yet your heart wants it differently? i know that based on logical deductions, the decision is the right one.

dear Lord, give me the strength.

home is where the heart belongs

people says that home is where the heart belongs. my heart is elsewhere, not where i am currently residing. yet, where my heart is, i am not welcomed. so where do i go? where is home? where will i finally feel that i belonged? when will i finally get rid the feeling of insecurity? when will sleep come to me? when will those words, these thoughts stop haunting me? wherever i turn to, wherever i hide, it’s there. my heart is still there. somewhere i cannot call home. somewhere that i yearn to be at.

when did love stop being enough? when did promises turned into mere words? when did dreams were shattered and hearts were brokened? when did hopes turned into disappointments? when did appologies turned into meaningless speech? when did we start taking each other for granted? when did it became just me and not us?

the days dragged on. when i’m at work, i wished i’m at home. when i’m at home, i wished i’m at work. it became a meaningless blur. when i’m with friends, i feel sleepy. yet when i reach home to sleep, i toss and turn, thinking when will daylight break. i thought the cough mixture was supposed to make me drowsy and sleepy. when day break, my eyes are as puffy as durian puffs.

it is extremely hard now. time will heal. and i’m just waiting for that time to come.

4 years and it boils down just to a cheque. it’s not worth only that, it’s much more, at least to me.

the rain cloud is just following me wherever i go now. remember to bring an umbrella when you want to be near me.

it has been a pleasure

it has been like riding on a tiny life boat on a volatile sea. sometimes when the sun comes up and the sea is calm, it was heavenly basking on that lifesaver. but when the rage of the sea kicks in, the sun disappears and darkness surrounds you, it took every ounce of my energy to cling onto that life boat. and yet, i go on, hoping for the glimpse of heaven, waiting for the sunshine to fill me with warmth again. only, only when the life boat throw me overboard, and me unable to catch up, did i ever give up. yet, i’m still waiting for that tiny lifeboat to come back, for the sea to be calm again, and for sunshine to smile upon me again. perhaps, one day, i’ll stumble upon another boat.

i hope then, it will no longer be raging seas.

two sides to a story

i’ve thought long and hard, whether to password protect this post. should i conceal what is in my heart, conceal what is going on in my mind? should i? or should i just let it out and hopefully it will be gone, blown away by the wind?

i’ve heard it long before, that happiness lies in your own hands. the one deciding thy fate, would be thyself. 

i have my own explanation, my own rationale. i am my own person.

as much as i would like to make you happy, as much as i like to say i am sorry and that i can change, i can’t. because i know it’s not true. i do not want to lie. i do not want to give empty promises. it’s me. i can’t change anymore.

i know that i disappoint you. i know that you want it differently, trust me, i want it to.  but there’s just some things i can’t change and i know i can’t meet your expectations.

i am human. i cannot be perfect.

i know there’s two sides to a story. i have mine and you have yours. i can understand that. and i also understand that if that matter is of the utmost importance to you, a prerequisite to you, i know how it feels.

i’m not going to ask for understanding because i know you can’t. and i also know that you can’t accept it.

oh my oh my.. the coming of age

the people around me are getting married… i’ve got 6 weddings to attend to… from july till end of this year. i’ve got at least 6 weddings to attend next year. GOSH… what’s with the wedding frenzy…..

are these signs? what are they hinting? and my best friend is getting married!!!!! the girl i’ve known for the past 22 years and who is also my god sister is getting married! i am so happy for her.

things change so rapidly. i still remember the conversation i had with her some time back, where she is saying she would be the last to get married among our circle of friends… and now, she is the FIRST! LOL

i’m happy for her. such a romantic act….. i wonder how it’s like, being up there on cloud nine and in the midst of everything, being proposed to!!! i’m so happy that she found someone that is so right, that loves her and treasure her for who she is… i’m gonna go green soon…. my dear friend, i congratulate you from the very bottom of my heart.

my initial reaction towards her news was sheer shock. i did not expected it, coming from her but as i got used to it, i found it uplifting and i am really looking forward to it.

who knows, maybe there are babies coming in, next year! =P

i am growing up, indeed. with or without me wanting for it.

better in time

i just feel like writing. i want to express myself. i’ve been reading a lot recently. i’ve been absorbed into worlds created by the authors. sigh. sometimes i wonder whether my thirst for more from my life is because i read too much. hahahaha

this weekend have been a TVB drama marathon. i sat in front of the tv, watching ASTRO ON DEMAND, forensic heroes 2. i could not pull myself away from the tv… and now, i feel as if i wasted my weekend away.

for the past few days, migraines have been tailing me, following me wherever i go. i wonder why. the weather has been erratic… a week ago it was raining cats and dogs, and recently, it is so hot…. must make a mental note to drink more water.

sometimes i get emotional over nothing, just by listening to songs, and feeling the blues. its only then my mental block for writing goes away, and words just simply pour out from within me. if you noticed my title, better in time.. its a song that i am listening to, inspiring me to spew out words.

i wish to be better. a better person. i tend to always seek for things, things that can bring happiness and along the way, i think i lost the plot. i lost the way. i lost myself. i simply dont know what i want. if only, there is a dummy guide, steps for happiness. i think the key to happiness is contentment but at the same time, i refused to be too contented simply because i think it hinders progress. for example, if i were to be contented 2 years ago, just by working as an unimportant do it all girl around the office, then i wouldn’t be where i am today. i would not have take the leap out of my comfort zone and reach for higher limits.

aargh. confused, neurotic, phobic me. i’m learning i’m learning. i’m just beginning to learn how to stop obsessing how to be happy and just focus on life. i’m just gonna do my best, and let things be how it wants to be. let go all controls, and have faith in God, He will guide me. and in time, i WILL become better.

tears of heaven

lately it has been raining heavily.. downpours in the morning, afternoon or night. doesn’t matter what time of the day it is, it will just rain. doesn’t even stop to consider whether it will trouble the little people below by raining. i’ve a theory… i think the rains are tears. tears of heaven for us, the people of malaysia.

truth to be told, i love my country to bits. it is my home for the past 24 years, and this is where my loved ones are. i love the look and feel of malaysia. it feels comfortable and familiar, unlike places where we just go for holidays, where it causes excitement and feels exotic. malaysia is home, a safe and secure nest. or so i imagine it in my tiny little head. (to be honest, i have a rather big head, but i like to pretend i have a small one.. no one likes looking like a walking lollipop ok?)

but throughout the years, it is growing increasingly hard to live in malaysia. why so, you ask? the prices of things are aiming for the sky, whereas our salaries remained stagnant or our salary increment/adjustment does not match the inflation rate. it’s hard to maintain a standard of living in malaysia.

today will be the last day where petrol price will be at rm1.92 per litre. tomorrow it will increase to an exorbitant amount of rm2.70. 41% of increase!!!!! yes, if compared to other countries in the world, malaysia has cheap petrol price, BUT our salaries are not as high as theirs.

today, a fresh graduate roughly earns rm1800 to 2500. after a year, perhaps if he is lucky he will have a 10% increase, but usually it’s less than that. and maybe throw in a month or two bonuses as a reward for his hard work. let me illustrate the living expenses of living in my beloved KUALA LUMPUR;

• rm300 rental for a decent tiny room,
• rm300 for petrol (oops, i forgot, by tomorrow it will be rm423),
• rm50 for tolls (if you are lucky not to stay at an area surrounded by tolls),
• rm100 for parking (that’s consider CHEAP!),
• rm200 (for insurance, can’t not protect yourself as medical bills can kill you faster than the illness itself),
• rm600 (for 3 meals at hawker stalls where a plate of char kuew tiao costs rm4 to rm5 and a can of coke is rm2.20 and plus some landlord doesn’t allow you to cook at home, so you gotta eat out)
• rm30 (for hp bill – the bare minimum)
• rm20 (for neccessities such as toilet paper, shampoo, toothpaste, yadda yadda, you get the drift)
• rm550 (for a rm40k car, where the hire purchase loan is stretched to 7 freaking years)
• rm200 (saved up every month for times you need to service your car and the day you gotta renew your road tax and auto insurance.)
• TOTAL AMOUNT = RM2350 which means you gotta earn at least RM2650!!!!! (as 11% is minus off to pay to EPF for your retirement) and that is not calculated with the new PETROL price.
• P/S i know that some people might say, take the public transport, it’s cheaper! which is true but our freaking public transport is inconvenient, smelly, stuffy and inconsistent.

SEE… you need to earn RM2650 and that is sufficient if you do not have any sort of entertainment fees at all, no cinemas, no shopping, no savings, no fancy restaurants, no Starbucks, no gym…. we Malaysians are a sad bunch. this is pathetic!

okay, enough about young fresh graduates, what about the elderly? 2 weeks ago, i visited my uncle who is currently around 70 plus years old, i dont know exactly how old, but he looks old and fragile, at a point where your heart goes to him, wanting to smother him with love and your eyes welled up with tears, because you desperately want to make him happy. anyway, prior to retirement, he was a headmaster to many schools, and was a well respected man. back then, he was earning quite a sum as the living standards were lower and inflation rate was lower then. after retirement, he opt for the pension scheme where he will received half of his last drawing salary… and guess how much he gets at this current time? he is getting a measly rm1000++!!!! barely sufficient to pay the bills, and support him and his old wife. OMG!!!! he is such a good man, having contributed so much to the community.. and due to the ridiculous Malaysian economy where everything is on the rise except our fecking salary, he is to suffer. AARGH. i can’t stand it. i truly truly feel his pain.

this, ladies and gentlemen, i present to you, is my beloved Malaysia.

the rain that pours recently, is tears of heaven, listening to the angst of Malaysians.