dear all or maybe no one at all,

i’m moving back to blogspot, my old blog. it’s www.cathrynthegreat.blogspot.com. see ya there!

love,
cathryn

recently,  a friend of mine lost his mother. i was checking my facebook while i was commuting when i saw his facebook status. this stopped me in my tracks and i felt sad;  sad that this world has lost someone good and empathy for my friend. what do you say to someone who lost a loved one? no matter what you say to him or her, it would never be enough. well, at least for me, it wasn’t. when i lost my dad, i just wallowed in my own misery and self pity. well, of course i needed to hear those kind words, the concern from other people but what i’m saying is you heal at your own time. i finally stopped crying 6 months later.

on monday, as i was down with flu and was resting at home, i saw patrick swayze’s widow being interviewed by oprah. i saw pictures of the couple, looking so wonderfully happy together. she was talking about how she is coping with life without him and i can still see the grief in her eyes. and i wonder, how would i cope if i were her and how would life be? the core of my life has always been him and my future is planned with him in mind.

however, having said that, although humans are fragile but humans have a special capability of drawing miraculous amount of strength when needed. we humans are strong.

*note to myself: for our fifth wedding anniversary, we must get a photographer to shoot pictures of us. =)

it’s incredible how much a comment from a stranger would affect you.

i’ve been contemplating to resume my blog again for a while. i’ve been fiddling with that thought in my mind. however, due to the hectic schedule that i kept during the past year, i’ve procrastinated and gave myself reason to be lazy.

recently i was checking my email and i found a comment on this blog, waiting to be approved. wow!! boy,  i was really touched. i have never thought that these words of mine would have any affect on anyone. that comment made me want to try to keep my blog again.  thank you, for those kind words of yours. i am really happy to have someone who appreciates my ramblings. =)

i promise to keep writing. and i’ll do it soon.

wow. time flew. really fast this time. i barely had the time to breathe. things are going great. i guess at this point, i can barely ask for more.

on the personal front, everything is good, not easy, but good. there will always be ups and downs, it just a matter of how you, as a couple, handle it.

on the career front, well… things have been hectic. and it will continue to be, for the next 3 months at least. i might not even be able to take leave for chinese new year. but it’s great. i enjoy my job. i like my bosses. i love my team. they are fantastic. it feels as if we are of one family. work is as usual, tiring, but for once, it’s nice to enjoy your work and get paid for it.

i get more exposure here. i learn loads of new things. and the best thing is, i am more aggressive. more sure of myself, more confident. my bosses encourage me to be more aggressive. yet at the same time, be nice. it’s a nice feeling, to be appreciated.

on another note, i went to gucci today and saw a bag that i really like!!!!! should i buy it or not? it’s quite pricey though… hmm… i wonder whether i’ll get bonus this month… aiksssssssss

p/s it’s 1.26am and i’m still thinking of the bag. the more i look at it, the more i’m in love.sigh… lalalalalalalaaaaa… should i? should i not? should i? should i not? aaaaaaarrggghhhh

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times when happiness eludes me, i gather up my strength and i give happiness a chase. i do what i can, with my everything, in pursuit of happiness.

i’ve been thinking of getting away from here for a little while. perhaps go on a holiday? ’bout time i turn my dream of traveling into a reality. i wish to travel alone… but i don’t have the guts, for fear of being lonely. aargh. i should just take the plunge.

once i manage to find a place of my own, i’ve been thinking to decorate it, to become a comfy room, my safe haven. perhaps, once i’ve done it, i will no longer be afraid of being alone for hours straight in the room. maybe i’ll be more comfortable staying there without needing to constantly go out.

seems like everything that i want to do, requires money. sigh.

note: money cannot buy happiness, but money assist people to temporarily forget their woes.

what do you do when the decision has been made yet your heart wants it differently? i know that based on logical deductions, the decision is the right one.

dear Lord, give me the strength.

people says that home is where the heart belongs. my heart is elsewhere, not where i am currently residing. yet, where my heart is, i am not welcomed. so where do i go? where is home? where will i finally feel that i belonged? when will i finally get rid the feeling of insecurity? when will sleep come to me? when will those words, these thoughts stop haunting me? wherever i turn to, wherever i hide, it’s there. my heart is still there. somewhere i cannot call home. somewhere that i yearn to be at.

when did love stop being enough? when did promises turned into mere words? when did dreams were shattered and hearts were brokened? when did hopes turned into disappointments? when did appologies turned into meaningless speech? when did we start taking each other for granted? when did it became just me and not us?

the days dragged on. when i’m at work, i wished i’m at home. when i’m at home, i wished i’m at work. it became a meaningless blur. when i’m with friends, i feel sleepy. yet when i reach home to sleep, i toss and turn, thinking when will daylight break. i thought the cough mixture was supposed to make me drowsy and sleepy. when day break, my eyes are as puffy as durian puffs.

it is extremely hard now. time will heal. and i’m just waiting for that time to come.

4 years and it boils down just to a cheque. it’s not worth only that, it’s much more, at least to me.

the rain cloud is just following me wherever i go now. remember to bring an umbrella when you want to be near me.

it has been like riding on a tiny life boat on a volatile sea. sometimes when the sun comes up and the sea is calm, it was heavenly basking on that lifesaver. but when the rage of the sea kicks in, the sun disappears and darkness surrounds you, it took every ounce of my energy to cling onto that life boat. and yet, i go on, hoping for the glimpse of heaven, waiting for the sunshine to fill me with warmth again. only, only when the life boat throw me overboard, and me unable to catch up, did i ever give up. yet, i’m still waiting for that tiny lifeboat to come back, for the sea to be calm again, and for sunshine to smile upon me again. perhaps, one day, i’ll stumble upon another boat.

i hope then, it will no longer be raging seas.

i’ve thought long and hard, whether to password protect this post. should i conceal what is in my heart, conceal what is going on in my mind? should i? or should i just let it out and hopefully it will be gone, blown away by the wind?

i’ve heard it long before, that happiness lies in your own hands. the one deciding thy fate, would be thyself. 

i have my own explanation, my own rationale. i am my own person.

as much as i would like to make you happy, as much as i like to say i am sorry and that i can change, i can’t. because i know it’s not true. i do not want to lie. i do not want to give empty promises. it’s me. i can’t change anymore.

i know that i disappoint you. i know that you want it differently, trust me, i want it to.  but there’s just some things i can’t change and i know i can’t meet your expectations.

i am human. i cannot be perfect.

i know there’s two sides to a story. i have mine and you have yours. i can understand that. and i also understand that if that matter is of the utmost importance to you, a prerequisite to you, i know how it feels.

i’m not going to ask for understanding because i know you can’t. and i also know that you can’t accept it.

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